No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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