dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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