my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
