if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
