guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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