I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
