I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
