you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
