Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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