My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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