Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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