Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
