My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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