90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Damn victory sex feels great
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
