Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
