I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
