I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
And then he peed in my hair
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