i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I think a kid would responsible me up
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
