if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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