There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
