What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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