I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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