He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
