Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize