I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
