I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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