woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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