Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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