I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
