If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
