ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
