i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
