thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
