I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
This is the high leading the old right now
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize