I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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