Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I wish there were birth control emojis
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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