Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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