Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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