I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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