I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
