Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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