My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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