3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
