I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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