dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I think my moral compass just broke
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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