Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
