I looked at my own cervix.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
