Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
