Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
