My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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