Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm like, not good at living.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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