I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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