just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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