I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
