I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
