Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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