no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
