I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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