i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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