im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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