you would pick up someone in the library
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
