My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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