All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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